Strong.

There's something inside you have to harness and awaken. It knows you are amazing and talented and doing the best you can right now. It's the strength to persevere and realize your potential. The part of you that says - look at where you started and look how far you've come. You are stronger and better than you think you are. It's the part that will over power the self-criticism and perfectionism. It's stronger and louder. Pay attention, she's in there. She fucking has your back.

Too much coffee

thoughts are racing.
and i'm taken back to a time of innocence
before the issues and anxieties
when love was pure
and joy was abound
is it better to be ignorant or wise?
lazy summer nights spent looking at the stars
feeling like that would last forever.
i wonder if i still cross your mind
the scent of memories
do they ever perfume your thoughts?

.....riddled with guilt, anxiety, depression, loss, grief, sadness, and resentment after years of valuing someone else's comfort over their own—and that's what it is really, right? We are saying "I value your comfort over my own. I value you having peace of mind over me feeling that I'm living a life of authenticity."

New Years Re-solution

I'm tired of not being authentic and stifling myself because of our cultural norms. I aim to throw a huge middle finger up to the patriarchy and all the people who are frightened by a woman who chooses to let herself glow; who won't always be "nice" and do all the hard work for you; a woman who won't censor her ideas, thoughts, opinions and knowledge because it challenges you and makes YOU feel uncomfortable; a woman who won't let anyone or anything dull her sparkle. Here's to all the strong and independent women everywhere - keep on shining!

On relationships....soul connections

Soul Equals truly value each other as equals and share an intention and dedication to the wellbeing and growth of themselves and the relationship. There is a strong mutual desire to keep healing and moving things forward. This happens through a daily practice of honest communication, self-reflection, and a high level of personal accountability.

When the sh*t hits the fan, Soul Equals do not run, hide or blame—instead, they pause, reflect and talk.

And it flourishes well because of the wide-open space that’s created for safety and security. The ego may tempt, but rarely does it win.

Alternatively, when two people are not Soul Equals, if they are not aligned in many important and key self-development areas, the mismatched tennis game unfolds.

This will often show up when we begin a relationship because there is a strong physical attraction and perhaps not a heck of a lot more. Biochemical reactions take over and we ignore {or typically don’t even see} the half dozen or so red flags indicating the mismatch.

The partner in the subordinate role will typically begin acting out of the fear of being left. They will abandon themselves and their needs and operate from the wounded ego; repeatedly giving in, hiding in the shadow of their partner, not voicing their truth, doing anything they need to do to hang on, remain “in the game” and try to win love and approval.

They may also take the opposite approach {with similar results} and repeatedly test their partner’s staying power by acting out and self-sabotaging anything positive.

The partner in the dominant role will fairly quickly become bored and frustrated by the inability to evolve and be challenged. Things will turn stagnant, the relationship will suffer a loss of respect, the connection will erode, resentments will build, and passion will wane, eventually grinding to a halt.

Intimacy cannot thrive in a union of misaligned souls.

So just how do we spot a Soul Equal?

Initially it’s really no different than any other way we look for a mate; attraction and compelling chemistry hopefully start us off. Then we need to chase that with a healthy dose of reality in realizing and accepting the intoxicating chemical effects of the honeymoon phase. Many of us get so sucked in and swept away by the early “high” that we lose our ability to be objective.

In order to evaluate if someone is a possible Soul Equal we need to take a deeper look and become investigative detectives looking for clues and evidence of a kindred spirit on the path—this is highly advisable before we run off to Vegas.

As we get to know someone there are definite things to look out for including: a person’s willingness and desire to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and actions, their commitment to personal growth (what actions do they in fact take), how well they handle feedback and/or conflict, a fairly well developed (or developing) sense of self, an openness to share and express thoughts and feelings, and a wish to create an outstanding relationship.

Some of these things might reveal themselves fairly quickly but it’s more likely that it will take some time before we will see our new love interests “more authentic side.” For that reason it’s imperative to keep things light and unattached in the beginning.  We should keep communicating, stay intensely curious and try our best to leave our expectations and assumptions out of the mix.

We don’t need to be at equal points along every spot of our spiritual path; in fact, it keeps things more interesting when we’re not and helps facilitate greater learning opportunities. It’s really more about the desire and commitment to invest the time and do the work.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/12/there-is-something-better-than-finding-a-soulmate/

Analyze

"Why do some people over analyze?

Here is the quick answer....It's because the interpretation of the meaning of that situation is crucial to their mental stability."

This is true for the good and the bad.

My mind doesn't stop until I find out why; until I research, dissect and figure out the meaning behind everything. From a product, to a thought, to why I do what I do, to other people and events. I don't feel settled and like I can relax without this process.

"For them she seemed like a weirdo who was over concerned with irrelevant details but when you find out what was happening in her mind this excessive concern will make all the sense in the world."

....still in most cases one of the following reasons will be the cause:

• Too many wounds: If a person has too many psychological wounds then the probability of a word hitting one of his wounds will become much higher and that's why he might over analyze almost everything
• Low self confidence: the perception of the world changes and all irrelevant data might seem like attempts to make fun of him, reject him or hurt him.
• He worries often: When a person worries often his brain structure changes in such a way that worrying becomes easier (The same goes for any habit). Now when that person hears a word that he can't understand he will start to worry about its meaning just because he has trained his mind to worry about everything

- The over-thinking leads to a made up scenario that I created and react to

- Too focused on the past or future (mind-reading)

- Mind is light years ahead of present reality

What do I overanalyze the most?

- Relationship / men in my life

               ~ Emotionally unavailable dad

               ~ Anxious mother - always having to analyze my actions for what I DID to set her off so I                           could not do it again around her

               ~ Trauma in relationship with Brian - feeling deceived / betrayed *computer online stuff

- myself

              ~lack in confidence to trust myself and my feelings because of my assumptions / mind reading

It's all a mechanism to help me "survive." It's what I am used to. I grew up in an environment where I always had to be on guard because I never knew what reaction I'd get from my mom. I hated when she would yell and get mad and would do anything to stop ti. When she reacted in a negative way (yelling / bitchy) I got into the habit of analyzing what I did so I could understand what I did and not do it again. I would try and take the blame but deep down I knew I didn't do anything - resentment builds. Over-thinking started to become a habit, something to always do first as a means of protection, as a way to control her reactions - and a means to control my negative feelings. At least that's what I thought I could do. I had no control over her and I was not the cause of her reactions. The habit has still stayed with me.

I get a bad feeling, I analyze what I did or how I affected another person. Once I figure it out I don't feel that bad feeling anymore. However, getting there is a huge emotional turmoil. I jump to conclusions or read minds as a way to bring mental stability to this patterned habit. It is a lightening quick response.

Top that off with being extra-conscious towards tone of voice and body language....it's a ripe way to create anxiety.

Protection from bad "feeling".

Feel the feeling. Let it pass.

You are not your feelings.

Ego causes the anxious, negative feeling.

Act only on facts.

Questions.

Can I really trust you? Sometimes I feel like you exaggerate everything and don't tell the truth to anyone. This makes me feel like I cannot trust you. Like you are afraid of the truth. Of what you did and what you have not done. It's all about being authentic and truthful no matter what. It's facing yourself both good and bad and letting others see you for what you truly are. This is what makes someone attractive; this is what makes someone likable and relateable. If you can't tell the full truth about the small things, what else will you hide? And what is the reason for your grandiose-encrusted versions of the truth? It makes me feel like you are a bit shady and have to play the victim all the time. Like you hide your own choices when they don't put you in the best light. If you want to be "seen" in a positive light then make choices that reflect it. Or, own up to the ones that do not. Trust and transparency are the most important qualities in a relationship. Anything else will not suffice.