What is love?

What is your intention?

To be loved?

or

To be loving?

The Daily Grind

Why, yes I probably do have a bit of insanity in me. That's what you get for such a sharp mind. You can cut yourself on it sometimes. It's a catastrophic suicide. That's why I have learned to dull the edge. It's a daily practice for that fucker keeps coming back sharper and sharper each time. The Soul is your shield.

The octopus of the mind

Depression is an interesting phenomenon. I look at my life and it's really a great life. I am very lucky for who I am, what I can do, and what I have. I know that on an empirical level. The thing about having a depressive moment is that it clouds your realistic judgement. Some outside event triggers a moment from the past or one negative thought which then brings about the same old cognitive distortions that always haunt me. Mental filter, jumping to conclusions, mind-reading, personalizing and all-or-nothing thinking. I think the most common one is the "mind-reading." So from one thought, a million others spiral out like the tentacles of an octopus. They keep churning and expanding in size until they are a full-blown universe of negativity. This in turn creates the feelings of sadness, anger and loneliness...I don't understand myself and therefore no one else can. I isolate myself. Most of the time I can stop the process by re-framing the situation; looking at the rational reality behind it all. Sometimes though I get so washed away by the rapidity of the process and then cast out in the waves of negativity feeling like I will drown. It is within those moments that the emotions are overwhelming and I just don't know what to do. I blame the person who said the triggering statement or I blame the world and then I blame myself for not being able to just get over it. Funny thing is, I am the creator of this "catastrophe" and I am the only one who can bring myself out of it. Sometimes it's just such an automatic response...I think that's what frustrates me. So I am seeking solutions...maybe I just need to do the CBT as soon as it happens. I think I need to keep writing in my gratitude journal EVERY day. For some people it's so easy to pick out what's wrong with life instead of what's right. I am not a pessimist but I do have a lot of Virgo in me..lol. I think the key to battle against the distortions of the mind is through being grateful. There is always something to be grateful for in your life. Even going through this process is a sign of one's humanity, one's fragility. The ability to be true to one's self but know that the cause of one's suffering is not because of the external world...it's how we CHOOSE to think about it and let it effect us. I am grateful for my ability of introspection and my analytic mind. There is a gift in all this when I can use it in a positive way. I am who I am, I have struggles, I am not perfect...I am a work in progress.

On jobs...

- How would I like each day to unfold?
– What would I like to be focusing my energy and attention on, if I had any choice available to me?
– What makes me experience joy?
– What energizes me?
– What makes me feel balance? Integration?
– What state of mind would I like to be in while I work?
– What other aspects of my life do I wish to be paying more attention to?
– By the end of my life, what kind of person do I wish to be?

Expect nothing.

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”  - Bruce Lee

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” - Sylvia Plath

We are taught to do what everyone else does, to picket our houses,  our minds, our souls, ourselves. Unconsciously we are submerged into the world of expectation. Our earliest memories and relationships define us until we learn to re-write the recording. He should do this, he should feel this, why is he acting like this? Upon valuing routine, feeling comfortable in routine, relying on routine for stability...the roots of expectation are grown...the silent killers of happiness and tranquility. The drug that eschews our normal rationality and leads to a host of distorted thoughts and worries. It all seems normal, like what everyone else tells us...until we end up repeating familiar patterns that just don't feel good. 

In the back of my mind, I know I have a picture, expectations on how he should "be." Blame it on my first love, social conditioning, or an immature view of relationships...but it does it truly matter how it manifested? 

"If I am doing all this stuff...why isn't he?" 

"I've had a guy do this for me before...why isn't he?"

 "If I feel this way about him...why isn't it different?"

"Why isn't he more expressive?"

"Why isn't he more affectionate?"

"Why doesn't he write me love letters?"

"Why is he so moody?"

"Why isn't he more direct?"

Why doesn't he just KNOW how to be exactly how my mind has created him to be?

It's laughable now that I see it written out on paper. Kind of insane actually. We create these standards for people...these unrealistic roles for them to play. I started to get this dark, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach some days ago. A feeling I abhor because it lingers on like a raging wound in my soul. I've felt it before and typically thought it was either hormones or the signal that something is deeply wrong with my EXTERIOR world. So, I analyze, I think, I try to feel it as deeply as I can and dig out it's root...bring the pit to the forefront of my consciousness. It wasn't about him or anything on the outside...it was all about ME. My interior, my thoughts, my inane expectations that seemed dormant yet called my every move in life. It was realizing that yes, I was anxious because the picture I had created in my head wasn't matching up to reality - I was constantly trying to fit someone into a predetermined script. Every action, every word, every movement of these individuals was compared against what I thought should happen. I guess that pit feeling was just the signal I needed - it was telling me that my interior picture wasn't right, it wasn't real...I needed to grasp it and throw it out. 

There is a beautiful power that comes with such a massive self-discovery as this. Making a choice to let go of everything you were taught, of everything you thought was true. It's the realization that love can only come from freedom - the freedom to let people be exactly who they are, the freedom of not expecting anything, the freedom to sit back and observe people for who they are, without your emotions of expectation and not how they measure up to your picture of "love." From there, you find out, truly discover, if someone is a person you want in your life...if that person is someone you can share life and love with. 

I have no idea why it took me this long to figure it out. 

life goal

     But we can become intrinsically different from everyone else
by reconstructing ourselves from the core—from our inner depths.
We must design our own blueprints for new selves.
After years of deciding the fundamental directions of our lives,
we become more the creations of our own free choices
than the products of genetic endowment and cultural conditioning.
Then, because we have created ourselves—not copied others— 
even if others choose similar Authentic projects-of-being,
we remain nevertheless singular, self-creating, unmatchable persons.
The inner process of re-inventing ourselves is uniquely our own.
We must channel our own anxiety, meaninglessness, and despair
defiantly into our own distinctive designs-of-being.
We become non-reproducible persons with never-repeatable lives.

suffer?

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

http://skyecleary.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/6-steps-to-authentic-loving-in-2014/

additive...

Just have to add this...I'm sure I will write in future posts...why do I have more fucking balls than most men?

Lust Or Volatile Emotion (?)

What is love I ask? I used to think it was a feeling...then it became more of the actions you do for someone...I've analyzed the crap out it over all these years. Is it still wrapped up in a subconscious fairy tale? And what with the personal obsession? I still think deep down on a soul level I have this insane story created that once I find True Love then I will finally feel okay and truly happy. Like I will fit in with the world and what everyone else is doing, like my life will have more meaning. It's merely the story that has permeated our world since...forever. I don't like this though - this fairy tale. It doesn't fit with reality, with the fact that we have no control over our futures and we cannot try and control them. We can't control others, only ourselves and our own thoughts and feelings. Life is imperfect, it's ever-changing and incomplete. How can we live up to the story in our heads and hearts? Love as a feeling - but our feelings are in a constant stage of inconsistency and change. Much of our emotions stem from our brain's mindless chatter...the Ego at work. Dredging up what we know from the past, the familiar, the history. I have this huge idea that the One should be able to understand me on all levels. But I don't fully understand myself...will I ever? Isn't that a lifelong journey? We think all these different qualities and expectations that we have built up should be upheld by ONE person. A soul mate, a twin flame, a true love. A million different needs, wants, and desires in one person...forever. I have this love story in my head about connecting with someone on the deepest possible human levels - emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. Is that even possible? What does that even look like? I don't even know how deep I am in touch with myself in those aspects of life. I may have conquered some levels but an ocean still exists...isn't that what our entire lives are for?

I think I need to re-frame the existence of love. It's not the chemical reaction we can have with a person, that  "spark", that crazy fuse of infatuation and lust. It's not the replaying of my subconscious story on how it "should" be or how it "should" feel. I really do see that it takes time to form - it's experiencing someone for who they truly are - the dropped facade of who they appear to be so they can "reel" you in. It's an exchange of ideas and experiences with someone else. It's being an observer of another human without any expectations, without any picture replaying in your mind. It's letting someone be exactly who they are without the chains of who you want them to be. It's not "needing" someone but wanting to create something together. It's not trying to "get" anything from them - attention, affection, love, money, approval, sex, advice....it's the natural process of sharing life both together and separate. It's the state of being yourselves together and seeing a different world view. It's not a fleeting feeling but a cultivated freedom that you create with another person. It may or may not last forever and maybe it will happen with more than one person - but it helps you evolve and learn and grow.

Eradicate the picture of how you think it should be, of how you were "taught" it to be, of how you "want" it to be.
Love is true freedom.

Kill it with a caffeine coma

Just.need.to.vent. Here's my existential fucking realization - I am the all-pervasive ear for mankind. I have this natural ability to just fucking  listen to people and completely tune myself in to them. It's like I can just feel them. Naturally. Without trying. Well here's the big fucking double-edged sword to it all...who the fuck will listen to me? I know and somewhat understand that no one else is like me in this world - not many people have the natural gift of attentive and unconditional listening. But could you put your motherfucking cellphone Facebook and Twitter down for a minute when I try to express myself? Could someone please give me a little more fucking feedback other than "That sucks" or "Yeah." Am I just talking to the wrong people? Is this whole fucking world just so self-oriented in their own thoughts and problems that they can't take a few minutes out of their picketed world to try and see what someone else has to say? Is that asking too fucking much? Am I expecting too much?

Ah yes. Expectations. They are killing me recently. The picture in my head, even based on a subconsciously ingrained cultural brainwash, is rolling around torturing me. The feelings I had, the feelings I am having...the thought that it's all wrong, or I am wrong. Are these just based on what I think should happen? On what's happened in the past? Why am I not where I think I should be? Why did it all change and become this rolled up ball of anxiety? How do you go from feeling like it's all together and calm into the storm of doubt and questioning? I didn't think it was just a feeling...it was deeper than that. What old picture and thoughts am I allowing to direct my thoughts? And how do I end that movie? Sometimes I think it's just my Ego calling - the little girl inside crying out for attention, living her life through memories and what is familiar to her. Sometimes I just wish she'd shut the fuck up and let me live my life in the present....and just see what happens. I know I need to assuage her from my Soul...for perhaps that is the only entity who can truly listen.

Men.

“I have met so many heartbroken men. It's a catastrophe. Women are easily overcome by the process that happens when a boy falls in love and becomes a man. Men's hearts are so often broken. Still, you have to leave your broken heart in a place where- when the woman who knows how to see what a gift is, sees it- your broken heart can be picked up again. I think that it takes a very strong woman (inner strength) to be able to handle a man falling in love with her, without morphing into a monster (the process is a very potent process, it can poison a woman, really). A woman thinks she wants a man to fall in love with her for all the perks that come with it; but when a real love really does happen, when a real man shows his manhood; it's often too powerful a thing to endure without being poisoned. Hence, all the heartbroken men. But, I do believe that there are strong women in the world today. A few. But there are. You could say, that the mark of a real woman, is a woman who can handle a man- a man falling in love with her. A woman who can recognize that, and keep it with her.”