Let it all out.

I am not emotionally safe. I am just trying to do my fucking job...fucking teach. All I get is bullshit...arguing...negative...push...pull...I stuff the anger down...the reaction I want to have. They shut the fuck up I want to yell. And it stuffs and stuffs and stuffs all day....I bury my soul, I numb my mind, I disassociate my heart from any feeling. So I'm left empty, cold, alone at the end of the day. I can't just turn it off or forget about it. I will go back into the cesspool of shit the next day...and the next...and the next praying every day for the strength to make it through. This is not a way to live life...this is not healthy. It's like the bad relationships I've been in. You rationalize them away while your heart and soul are turned to mush. It permeates my entire being - I start to see everything in negative. I spend so much time at work - it's what I've dedicated my life to - I cannot go on like this. It is not worth anything.

I want my work to add to my happiness...I want  to make a difference...I want to feel like what I am doing is making a positive change...is helping people. I don't just want to have to "control" and "dominate" and "fight" for people to do what they should be doing. I want to feel emotionally safe and uplifted....and praised when I do good...and given constructive feedback that helps me. I want to be around people who do more than just bitch. I want to look forward to going to work and being challenged in a good way...to become a better person.

I know the only choice I have is action - I can make up a million excuses....please let whatever power rules the universe help me to make the changes that I need.

Awaken.

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life

all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections

and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say holy
holy.

- From Awakening Women Institute

Your Dharma is the unique vibration of you
fully expressed in the infinite matrix of life.
The longing to show up and to contribute 
with who we are
is shared by all of life. 
Look at the flowers, the animals, look at children;
everybody wants to take part, with all we got.
So why do we make it so personal?
Why do we make it about “being good enough”,
or the “right moment”, or “getting it”?

Kama (sensuality, desire, love):


We all know how we can get lost in obsession,
in addiction, in endless craving and neediness.
Yes, desire, left to the unconscious,
can lead you to all those places and more.

But the very same desire, rooted in your Dharma,
is your Amrita, the very elixir of life.
Dare to desire to give your gifts, desire a better world,
desire to live as love, to create beauty which will feed us all for real.

Shakti Sadhana is to live awake to She who breathes you through it all.
It is to consciously engage with both your inner and outer life,
your darkness and your light, seeing them essentially as
an unfathomable wholeness you are made of.

PMS ;)

Fuck you hormones. First, you make me want to run someone down with my fucking car. Like...seriously. Then, you cloud my mind with every negative thought that could ever exist about myself. You latch on to one all-permeating thought and everything I see just takes me right back to it. Kilos. Squatting. Crossfitters. Barbell. All reminding me that my knee hurts; it hurts when I walk;  it hurts when I lift; it just always fucking hurts. The reminder of who I was and what I am now. The strength I had and the strength that was lost...trying to gain it back. Everything just because black...opaquely black. I don't want this feeling....I don't want to be washed away by this wave. I want to fight back. But I do feel bad and miss what I used to be able to do. However, it all had to happen to get me here. This is all the Ego that comes out to play so violently....it's all chemically-induced. Fucking progesterone and estrogen. Motherfuckers.

Who am I really? Am I my strength? Am I my one rep maxes? Am I what I do at all? No. It's what the ego will fucking tell you. I am love. I am my soul. I am the inner core of wisdom and strength that has nothing to do with weights or working out. It's all a role we think we have to play. It's the indoctrinated version of self that society has ingrained upon us --- you are what you do. so do more. be more. be the best.

Fuck that bullshit. It's empty. I've been there. Even when I was lifting at my peak...I.was.miserable. This all had to happen to build up who I am really am...to make me strong where it matters. I brought real self-love into my life and after that....a real relationship full of natural love. We are meant to be love. Who I am is just to be.

Take that hormones.

Lovely

You are the most natural thought that wanders through my mind.
even when I am tucked away in my solitary space
the feeling of having you in my life
always floats across the landscape of my heart
and I am at peace.
You are a breath of calm, tranquil air
that grounds my fiery spirit yet sets it free.
There is no calamity with you, no fusion.
Just me and all that I am with you
and all who you are.
Two independent scents that fragrance each other.
I had to learn to love every part of myself
so that I could truly love every facet of you.