Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Narcs abound. I always hear the sound.
When in the hell did the world become so self-centered and narcissistic? Most people are just all about the I. It's how I feel, what I did, what I need from you. Fucking self-absorption like a goddamn sponge. Maybe it's the age of people that surround me...am I just on a whole other maturity level? Or am I just from another fucking planet all together?
Sometimes I feel like my awareness and penchant for others is a fucking nightmare. It's not that I am a doormat by any means...I certainly take care of myself and what I need. It's just always sensing how others feel and empathizing even if they don't know I can feel them. It's automatically knowing what to do for them...it takes a lot of energy even when I don't want it to. It's being born under the "ear" nashaktra; tt's the art of true, empathic listening with which I was born. Really zoning in and hearing the underlying currents of emotion, reason, and ideas that someone tells me. It's tiring, it really is. And then when I try to talk back or to anyone that is, I could talk to a wall and get the same response. Am I that transparent? Does my innate ability to truly hear people just attract all the self-involved of the world? Do they sense me and seek me out in some unconscious way because they know I will be there for them? Sometimes all I want is to be fucking listened to the way I listen to everyone else. It's that expectation I suppose that is my ultimate downfall - it's the double edge of my greatest gift. No one else can. I have two options - accept it or get more frustrated and pissed off. I only have control over myself. So who listens to the great listener.....
?
Sometimes I feel like my awareness and penchant for others is a fucking nightmare. It's not that I am a doormat by any means...I certainly take care of myself and what I need. It's just always sensing how others feel and empathizing even if they don't know I can feel them. It's automatically knowing what to do for them...it takes a lot of energy even when I don't want it to. It's being born under the "ear" nashaktra; tt's the art of true, empathic listening with which I was born. Really zoning in and hearing the underlying currents of emotion, reason, and ideas that someone tells me. It's tiring, it really is. And then when I try to talk back or to anyone that is, I could talk to a wall and get the same response. Am I that transparent? Does my innate ability to truly hear people just attract all the self-involved of the world? Do they sense me and seek me out in some unconscious way because they know I will be there for them? Sometimes all I want is to be fucking listened to the way I listen to everyone else. It's that expectation I suppose that is my ultimate downfall - it's the double edge of my greatest gift. No one else can. I have two options - accept it or get more frustrated and pissed off. I only have control over myself. So who listens to the great listener.....
?
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The exquisiteness....
Dammit, I can't find the quote that I want to start this off.
Two things keep replaying in my mind - 1. selfish 2. nothing and no one will hold you back
So, it triggered something in me. A sense of a past deja vu - words spoken to me before. "Love is not enough to keep me here." I took it as - "I am not enough. I am not good enough. My love is not good enough for you." I suppose I was a different person then. Living through the Ego, thinking everything was about me.
But then, what was that love that was spoken of? It wasn't real or unconditional...it wasn't true. It was just two fucked up Egos who had some similar issues in common having found a common place to fester and hide. An eventual implosion. How can someone who doesn't even believe in love share love?
After hearing your words last night...it just took me right back to that place of self-blame...of self-pity. Thinking, I am wrong again. Here we go again.
But my insides aren't wrong. Maybe this is the gift within it all. To love unconditionally is to let someone go. It's not to give up all your respect and trust and be a doormat...it's saying, hey. These are my feelings about you. You are special. I have never gotten along with anyone the way I do with you, I have never felt this type of calm connection. It's also saying - you are not chained to me. You have to do what you need to do to be happy even if it means you aren't with me. I guess real love is just accepting what is and not putting yourself in there to blame. I think it's about saying - I feel strongly for you, I love being around you and I will continue to love you even if I am not with you. You have to walk your path but I may not be there if it doesn't coincide with mine. If you want to be selfish and have it all about you - if that what makes you happy I want that for you. It just means it's my time to move on.
So, I guess it really is about smashing the picture of what we think it should look like and just take it as it comes in the present moment. We get ahead of ourselves, we let the Ego slip in...and then we allow our false emotions to get the best of us. Sometimes we need a step back to see it all. I feel deeply for you but in the process have to see you be free...for isn't what real love is all about?
Two things keep replaying in my mind - 1. selfish 2. nothing and no one will hold you back
So, it triggered something in me. A sense of a past deja vu - words spoken to me before. "Love is not enough to keep me here." I took it as - "I am not enough. I am not good enough. My love is not good enough for you." I suppose I was a different person then. Living through the Ego, thinking everything was about me.
But then, what was that love that was spoken of? It wasn't real or unconditional...it wasn't true. It was just two fucked up Egos who had some similar issues in common having found a common place to fester and hide. An eventual implosion. How can someone who doesn't even believe in love share love?
After hearing your words last night...it just took me right back to that place of self-blame...of self-pity. Thinking, I am wrong again. Here we go again.
But my insides aren't wrong. Maybe this is the gift within it all. To love unconditionally is to let someone go. It's not to give up all your respect and trust and be a doormat...it's saying, hey. These are my feelings about you. You are special. I have never gotten along with anyone the way I do with you, I have never felt this type of calm connection. It's also saying - you are not chained to me. You have to do what you need to do to be happy even if it means you aren't with me. I guess real love is just accepting what is and not putting yourself in there to blame. I think it's about saying - I feel strongly for you, I love being around you and I will continue to love you even if I am not with you. You have to walk your path but I may not be there if it doesn't coincide with mine. If you want to be selfish and have it all about you - if that what makes you happy I want that for you. It just means it's my time to move on.
So, I guess it really is about smashing the picture of what we think it should look like and just take it as it comes in the present moment. We get ahead of ourselves, we let the Ego slip in...and then we allow our false emotions to get the best of us. Sometimes we need a step back to see it all. I feel deeply for you but in the process have to see you be free...for isn't what real love is all about?
Monday, February 24, 2014
Admittance
And so with falling, with caring, with the deepest parts of my soul burning...
it's frightful. I am brave as fuck yet I am still vulnerable. I am still scared of being hurt or being rejected because of how I feel. This is all so different for me. When I love, truly love, none of that infatuation bullshit that I have had before...that Ego-driven, issue-riddled infatuation driven by the turmoil of unconscious anxiety and fear...real love - it stems from the deepest part of my heart...the depths of my soul. This is my biggest desire in life...above all else and I would do anything for it. I want to know you from the inside-out. I want to hear how you feel about everything...about me. The craving for that emotional intimacy that you have with no one else...the balls to just lay out your heart and soul and everything in between.
You don't make it easy sometimes. I feel you every time you are happy and I sense you every time your heart and mind is far away inside your shell. I know when you have retreated from the world and while I understand it, I just feel shut out...and then I blame myself for doing something that I never even did! Maybe this is my lesson - to let people be how they are without taking it personal. I want to say to you sometimes that I have feelings and needs too....and that the world cannot revolve around the current mood that you are in. That is so one-sided. Be aware of how someone else is feeling, too...what they need at the time. I am strong but I need someone to be there for me too even if it doesn't suit your mood.
It's not anger...it's just passion. It stems from a feeling that I have never had - feeling at home with someone. Calm. Peaceful. Like it's just meant to be this way. As though my soul is just relieved and happy for the first time in over a decade. I wasn't ready when I had something like this before...but now I am. And yet.. it so scary to feel this way. What if the sentiments are not understood or reciprocated? The pain can be devastating. An elongated pain...just an ache that overtakes the body and seems to never quite go away. Like a wave of crashing water upon the soul. But, if I have never really had true love...then how do I know it will hurt? I suppose it's what I imagine it would feel like.
I just want to grab you sometimes and just tell you that I get it. I get how you feel, I get how you are why you are, I get why you are scared and fearful of being hurt, I understand why you are suspicious, I get how much it pains you to have been hurt in the past. I.am.the.same.way. My words just seem like vapor...I suppose only the actions of time will tell. Do you know how lucky you are to have someone like me in your corner? People live and die looking for this. It wouldn't matter so much but when I care - dare I say when I love - it is the most important thing of all.
If I didn't love you - I wouldn't care.
And then...I notice how Fear can so easily take over our beings. I cannot control your moods and they rarely have anything to do with me. I have been nothing but supportive and gentle with you. I only wish you'd let me into your shell sometimes...just to let me know why you feel what you do. The fear of not knowing why someone acts how they do triggers the Old pervasive thoughts - "I am not good enough." "I did something wrong." "He doesn't like me." It's not true though. And that is the struggle that I still have to face. Understanding that those old "demons" have subsided but maybe never truly go away. It's my fight to battle and overcome.
This is good though. It's good to face these feelings...these old patterns that regurgitate themselves after you think you have triumphed over them. I am amazingly developed but still a work in progress. Love has a funny way of helping you along the course into becoming an even better version of yourself. It has to challenge you on some level.
And so, I will eventually just not care about the fear anymore. And I will tell you how I feel. If there is one ideal I now embrace it's that life is too short to worry about the anxieties that the mind conjures up. I have been hurt before and I know that even if I hurt again I will always be okay. I have a feeling that this is different though - My heart is open and I am willing to go to a place with it where yes, I may get hurt...but the beauty of experiencing something profound...a once in a lifetime love....is worth it.
it's frightful. I am brave as fuck yet I am still vulnerable. I am still scared of being hurt or being rejected because of how I feel. This is all so different for me. When I love, truly love, none of that infatuation bullshit that I have had before...that Ego-driven, issue-riddled infatuation driven by the turmoil of unconscious anxiety and fear...real love - it stems from the deepest part of my heart...the depths of my soul. This is my biggest desire in life...above all else and I would do anything for it. I want to know you from the inside-out. I want to hear how you feel about everything...about me. The craving for that emotional intimacy that you have with no one else...the balls to just lay out your heart and soul and everything in between.
You don't make it easy sometimes. I feel you every time you are happy and I sense you every time your heart and mind is far away inside your shell. I know when you have retreated from the world and while I understand it, I just feel shut out...and then I blame myself for doing something that I never even did! Maybe this is my lesson - to let people be how they are without taking it personal. I want to say to you sometimes that I have feelings and needs too....and that the world cannot revolve around the current mood that you are in. That is so one-sided. Be aware of how someone else is feeling, too...what they need at the time. I am strong but I need someone to be there for me too even if it doesn't suit your mood.
It's not anger...it's just passion. It stems from a feeling that I have never had - feeling at home with someone. Calm. Peaceful. Like it's just meant to be this way. As though my soul is just relieved and happy for the first time in over a decade. I wasn't ready when I had something like this before...but now I am. And yet.. it so scary to feel this way. What if the sentiments are not understood or reciprocated? The pain can be devastating. An elongated pain...just an ache that overtakes the body and seems to never quite go away. Like a wave of crashing water upon the soul. But, if I have never really had true love...then how do I know it will hurt? I suppose it's what I imagine it would feel like.
I just want to grab you sometimes and just tell you that I get it. I get how you feel, I get how you are why you are, I get why you are scared and fearful of being hurt, I understand why you are suspicious, I get how much it pains you to have been hurt in the past. I.am.the.same.way. My words just seem like vapor...I suppose only the actions of time will tell. Do you know how lucky you are to have someone like me in your corner? People live and die looking for this. It wouldn't matter so much but when I care - dare I say when I love - it is the most important thing of all.
If I didn't love you - I wouldn't care.
And then...I notice how Fear can so easily take over our beings. I cannot control your moods and they rarely have anything to do with me. I have been nothing but supportive and gentle with you. I only wish you'd let me into your shell sometimes...just to let me know why you feel what you do. The fear of not knowing why someone acts how they do triggers the Old pervasive thoughts - "I am not good enough." "I did something wrong." "He doesn't like me." It's not true though. And that is the struggle that I still have to face. Understanding that those old "demons" have subsided but maybe never truly go away. It's my fight to battle and overcome.
This is good though. It's good to face these feelings...these old patterns that regurgitate themselves after you think you have triumphed over them. I am amazingly developed but still a work in progress. Love has a funny way of helping you along the course into becoming an even better version of yourself. It has to challenge you on some level.
And so, I will eventually just not care about the fear anymore. And I will tell you how I feel. If there is one ideal I now embrace it's that life is too short to worry about the anxieties that the mind conjures up. I have been hurt before and I know that even if I hurt again I will always be okay. I have a feeling that this is different though - My heart is open and I am willing to go to a place with it where yes, I may get hurt...but the beauty of experiencing something profound...a once in a lifetime love....is worth it.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
AbsoLutely, withOut a doubt, VEry much so.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” - Bob Dylan
I became the person I wanted to find and in the process, you appeared. I may have judged you a bit before but sometimes Life has a funny way of finding the right Time. I have never felt such tranquility, such a sense of being home with any other person that has been in my life. It's not infatuation, it's an adoration that comes from the soul. Unconditional because I don't need to get anything from you, I don't want anything from you...your happiness and comfort is as essential as my own. Even if you didn't feel the same way, I would still love you. That's how you know it's real.
I became the person I wanted to find and in the process, you appeared. I may have judged you a bit before but sometimes Life has a funny way of finding the right Time. I have never felt such tranquility, such a sense of being home with any other person that has been in my life. It's not infatuation, it's an adoration that comes from the soul. Unconditional because I don't need to get anything from you, I don't want anything from you...your happiness and comfort is as essential as my own. Even if you didn't feel the same way, I would still love you. That's how you know it's real.
Making changes...
I am attempting to somehow balance my hormones and decrease my slavery to the PMS cycle by limiting my dairy, eating gluten/wheat free and reducing my caffeine intake. :)
Monday Feb. 10th
Bfast - 1 cup coffee, cream of rice, 5 eggs, frozen fruit
*Didn't feel as drowsy
Snack - protein bar
Lunch - grilled chicken salad (no tzekee), sweet potatoes
*Felt really drowsy around 12:00ish
- Had two cups of non-caff. tea
- Craved coffee like a mofo
Snack - organic greek yogurt, gluten free crackers, nuts
Dinner - turkey and vegan cheese rolls (with greek pepper spread), tomatoes, sweet potato
*Felt extremely fatigued - did not lift
~ Overall, I felt awful. I craved coffee like a crack addict. Body craved carbs and sugar - ate a bunch of cream puffs :/ Now that I see this was the day before my period, it makes sense. However, I never had this type of carb/sugar surge during my recovery months. I guess it would make sense though - now that I am back to lifting my hormones are more wacky and effect me differently.
Tuesday Feb. 11th - got my period :P
Bfast - same as Mon
Snack - protein shake made with half whey/hemp
*Felt bloaty but it could have been from the period
Lunch - grilled chicken salad with hummus, sweet potatoes, non-decaf tea
*Felt drowsy around 1:30ish
Snack- greek yogurt mixed with gluten free cereal and nuts, cup of tea
*Kind of felt bloated but it's hard to tell b/c of my period
Post-workout shake - whey protein, fruit (waited until I got home to drink)
Dinner - Turkey and vegan cheese sandwich (gluten free bread), tomato soup
~I feel better overall despite having cramps, naseau and some fatigue. I think the decrease in caffeine actually keeps me more awake and less tense. Had a good lifting session. :)
~To ponder...even though I still lifted heavy upper body during my rehab months, I never had really bad periods and never craved carbs or sweets. It was actually hard to eat anything. Now that I am back to intensive lifting, I felt like I did post-surgery. My periods rule my life again. The key is to find the balance between lifting hard and knowing how it will effect my body. In addition, I think the diet modifications I am trying may help. Maybe I should do lighter sessions and no max outs in the 3-4 days before my period..or when I get that "feeling" that it is starting. I maxed out on Saturday and it was awful...3 days before I got the big P. I can focus on technique and other variations I do not normally hit - drop snatches, high pulls, triple or double squats, light jerk variations, posterior-chain stuff...ect.
<3
Monday Feb. 10th
Bfast - 1 cup coffee, cream of rice, 5 eggs, frozen fruit
*Didn't feel as drowsy
Snack - protein bar
Lunch - grilled chicken salad (no tzekee), sweet potatoes
*Felt really drowsy around 12:00ish
- Had two cups of non-caff. tea
- Craved coffee like a mofo
Snack - organic greek yogurt, gluten free crackers, nuts
Dinner - turkey and vegan cheese rolls (with greek pepper spread), tomatoes, sweet potato
*Felt extremely fatigued - did not lift
~ Overall, I felt awful. I craved coffee like a crack addict. Body craved carbs and sugar - ate a bunch of cream puffs :/ Now that I see this was the day before my period, it makes sense. However, I never had this type of carb/sugar surge during my recovery months. I guess it would make sense though - now that I am back to lifting my hormones are more wacky and effect me differently.
Tuesday Feb. 11th - got my period :P
Bfast - same as Mon
Snack - protein shake made with half whey/hemp
*Felt bloaty but it could have been from the period
Lunch - grilled chicken salad with hummus, sweet potatoes, non-decaf tea
*Felt drowsy around 1:30ish
Snack- greek yogurt mixed with gluten free cereal and nuts, cup of tea
*Kind of felt bloated but it's hard to tell b/c of my period
Post-workout shake - whey protein, fruit (waited until I got home to drink)
Dinner - Turkey and vegan cheese sandwich (gluten free bread), tomato soup
~I feel better overall despite having cramps, naseau and some fatigue. I think the decrease in caffeine actually keeps me more awake and less tense. Had a good lifting session. :)
~To ponder...even though I still lifted heavy upper body during my rehab months, I never had really bad periods and never craved carbs or sweets. It was actually hard to eat anything. Now that I am back to intensive lifting, I felt like I did post-surgery. My periods rule my life again. The key is to find the balance between lifting hard and knowing how it will effect my body. In addition, I think the diet modifications I am trying may help. Maybe I should do lighter sessions and no max outs in the 3-4 days before my period..or when I get that "feeling" that it is starting. I maxed out on Saturday and it was awful...3 days before I got the big P. I can focus on technique and other variations I do not normally hit - drop snatches, high pulls, triple or double squats, light jerk variations, posterior-chain stuff...ect.
<3
Turning Point
Don't allow your mind to tell your heart what to do. The mind gives up easily - Paulo Coehlo
How do I want to feel? I want to feel good, content, at peace. This surge of hormonal activity however makes it difficult to hone in on my heart. I haven't felt this down and emotional and out of focus in a while. I haven't felt the need to stuff myself with uneeded sugar and carbs either. I guess it is because I am back to heavy training and it throws off my body. I love to lift...more than anything. I don't know how to deal with the effects it has on my body. Between commuting, working, and training....this stress just wears me out. Maybe B is right...I need to do something to relax myself, some outlet that is different from everything else. Maybe I should tweak my program and lower the intensity or change it around to suit my needs. Work hard but smart...not kill myself every single session especially when I am in the phase right before my period. There is always two options to every issue you have in life - you can bitch about it or make the necessary changes to create the life you want. If I am tired of my job - I can put my resume out and find a different job. If I am having back or period issues, I can get it checked or eliminate foods from my diet. There is always a choice...I just have to make the ones that will send me in the right direction.
Workout - tweak program, no competitions, yoga 2x week
Diet - no gluten/wheat or dairy, decrease caffeine
Job - no more commuting, find a new position somewhere
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