Don't allow your mind to tell your heart what to do. The mind gives up easily - Paulo Coehlo

I think I need to re-frame the existence of love. It's not the chemical reaction we can have with a person, that  "spark", that crazy fuse of infatuation and lust. It's not the replaying of my subconscious story on how it "should" be or how it "should" feel. I really do see that it takes time to form - it's experiencing someone for who they truly are - the dropped facade of who they appear to be so they can "reel" you in. It's an exchange of ideas and experiences with someone else. It's being an observer of another human without any expectations, without any picture replaying in your mind. It's letting someone be exactly who they are without the chains of who you want them to be. It's not "needing" someone but wanting to create something together. It's not trying to "get" anything from them - attention, affection, love, money, approval, sex, advice....it's the natural process of sharing life both together and separate. It's the state of being yourselves together and seeing a different world view. It's not a fleeting feeling but a cultivated freedom that you create with another person. It may or may not last forever and maybe it will happen with more than one person - but it helps you evolve and learn and grow.

Eradicate the picture of how you think it should be, of how you were "taught" it to be, of how you "want" it to be.
Love is true freedom.

We create these standards for people...these unrealistic roles for them to play. I started to get this dark, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach some days ago. A feeling I abhor because it lingers on like a raging wound in my soul. I've felt it before and typically thought it was either hormones or the signal that something is deeply wrong with my EXTERIOR world. So, I analyze, I think, I try to feel it as deeply as I can and dig out it's root...bring the pit to the forefront of my consciousness. It wasn't about him or anything on the outside...it was all about ME. My interior, my thoughts, my inane expectations that seemed dormant yet called my every move in life. It was realizing that yes, I was anxious because the picture I had created in my head wasn't matching up to reality - I was constantly trying to fit someone into a predetermined script. Every action, every word, every movement of these individuals was compared against what I thought should happen. I guess that pit feeling was just the signal I needed - it was telling me that my interior picture wasn't right, it wasn't real...I needed to grasp it and throw it out. 

There is a beautiful power that comes with such a massive self-discovery as this. Making a choice to let go of everything you were taught, of everything you thought was true. It's the realization that love can only come from freedom - the freedom to let people be exactly who they are, the freedom of not expecting anything, the freedom to sit back and observe people for who they are, without your emotions of expectation and not how they measure up to your picture of "love." From there, you find out, truly discover, if someone is a person you want in your life...if that person is someone you can share life and love with. 

But my insides aren't wrong. Maybe this is the gift within it all. To love unconditionally is to let someone go. It's not to give up all your respect and trust and be a doormat...it's saying, hey. These are my feelings about you. You are special. I have never gotten along with anyone the way I do with you, I have never felt this type of calm connection. It's also saying - you are not chained to me. You have to do what you need to do to be happy even if it means you aren't with me. I guess real love is just accepting what is and not putting yourself in there to blame. I think it's about saying - I feel strongly for you, I love being around you and I will continue to love you even if I am not with you. You have to walk your path but I may not be there if it doesn't coincide with mine. If you want to be selfish and have it all about you - if that what makes you happy I want that for you. It just means it's my time to move on.

So, I guess it really is about smashing the picture of what we think it should look like and just take it as it comes in the present moment. We get ahead of ourselves, we let the Ego slip in...and then we allow our false emotions to get the best of us. Sometimes we need a step back to see it all. I feel deeply for you but in the process have to see you be free...for isn't what real love is all about?

Just some excerpts from my past writings when I was much more present and realistic. Not being owned by my emotions and feelings. 

I guess I get so wrapped in the future, in my expectations, in the past, in how things were. I think I am just finally starting to see who you are - the facade is dropped. It's time for me to just be realistic and observe you. Be in the present relationship with who you are and let you be. I know that my automatic thoughts will still be there...they will cause my "feelings." Perhaps those thoughts will never really go away. I can deal with them better and not accept them as reality. Being rational and solving your problems just makes sense. It's the emotions that make it difficult - but I have to acknowledge them without letting them run my life. In some ways it was more "peaceful" when you are not in a relationship - your triggers aren't being pushed. The only way to grow however is to be in a relationship and constantly strive to learn and improve yourself. To feel it all and commit to learning rather than controlling. To live from Spirit and not Ego.

My lessons

1. The need for connection - get a group of friends

2. Connecting with myself - writing, meditation

3. Accepting reality - being present

4. Trust the Universe and Life

Again.

I cannot help how I love. Strong. All-consuming. Passionate. But within that I cannot forget to keep loving myself. I cannot afford to lose all that is me to the enormity of feeling I have for you. I cannot spend every thought on you and every hour around you. For it is only within solitude that my own Soul is nourished and replenished. I can love you but most importantly I have to keep loving myself above it all. I have to remember who I am and retain the process of self-discovery. I have to keep building my life around my Soul and not around you or around working out. I have to accept my limitations - I cannot be a weightlifter anymore. It's over. My knee is still recovering. It kills my back. I don't need to win competitions to be happy. I can still lift weights, I can squat, I can deadlift, I can bench, I can body build. I will still look good, I will still be in shape. I can do something different and swim. I want to get up in the morning and be able to move without feeling like I am 80 years old. Even if I could weightlift and I got to nationals and did really well - what's the point? Glory is fleeting. It's ego-based. It's deceptive. It's what everyone else thinks will make them happy. Why do you think there is so many competitions? People need to feed their addiction. It's funny because I am made to think that my coffee addiction is so bad - but everyone is addicted to something. I would much rather just exist within contentment and do what makes me happy rather than trying to claw my way towards the never-ending thirst for approval and first places. Please keep your five dollar medals. I have a much richer path to follow.

Interdependence

From the Avatamsaka Sutra:

"Far away, in the heavenly abode of the great god Indra, there is a wonderful net which has been hung by some cunning artificer in such a manner that it stretches out infinitely in all directions. In accordance with the extravagant tastes of deities, the artificer has hung a single glittering jewel in each eye of the net, and since the net itself is infinite in dimension, the jewels are infinite in number.
There hang the jewels, glittering like stars of the first magnitude, a wonderful sight to behold. If we now look closely at any one of the jewels for inspection, we will discover that in its polished surface are reflected all the other jewels in the net, infinite in number. Not only that, but each of the jewels reflected in this one jewel is reflecting all the other jewels, so that there is an infinite reflection process occuring.
This symbolises our world where every sentient being (and thing) is inter-related to one another."

Let it all out.

I am not emotionally safe. I am just trying to do my fucking job...fucking teach. All I get is bullshit...arguing...negative...push...pull...I stuff the anger down...the reaction I want to have. They shut the fuck up I want to yell. And it stuffs and stuffs and stuffs all day....I bury my soul, I numb my mind, I disassociate my heart from any feeling. So I'm left empty, cold, alone at the end of the day. I can't just turn it off or forget about it. I will go back into the cesspool of shit the next day...and the next...and the next praying every day for the strength to make it through. This is not a way to live life...this is not healthy. It's like the bad relationships I've been in. You rationalize them away while your heart and soul are turned to mush. It permeates my entire being - I start to see everything in negative. I spend so much time at work - it's what I've dedicated my life to - I cannot go on like this. It is not worth anything.

I want my work to add to my happiness...I want  to make a difference...I want to feel like what I am doing is making a positive change...is helping people. I don't just want to have to "control" and "dominate" and "fight" for people to do what they should be doing. I want to feel emotionally safe and uplifted....and praised when I do good...and given constructive feedback that helps me. I want to be around people who do more than just bitch. I want to look forward to going to work and being challenged in a good way...to become a better person.

I know the only choice I have is action - I can make up a million excuses....please let whatever power rules the universe help me to make the changes that I need.

Awaken.

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life

all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections

and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say holy
holy.

- From Awakening Women Institute

Your Dharma is the unique vibration of you
fully expressed in the infinite matrix of life.
The longing to show up and to contribute 
with who we are
is shared by all of life. 
Look at the flowers, the animals, look at children;
everybody wants to take part, with all we got.
So why do we make it so personal?
Why do we make it about “being good enough”,
or the “right moment”, or “getting it”?

Kama (sensuality, desire, love):


We all know how we can get lost in obsession,
in addiction, in endless craving and neediness.
Yes, desire, left to the unconscious,
can lead you to all those places and more.

But the very same desire, rooted in your Dharma,
is your Amrita, the very elixir of life.
Dare to desire to give your gifts, desire a better world,
desire to live as love, to create beauty which will feed us all for real.

Shakti Sadhana is to live awake to She who breathes you through it all.
It is to consciously engage with both your inner and outer life,
your darkness and your light, seeing them essentially as
an unfathomable wholeness you are made of.

PMS ;)

Fuck you hormones. First, you make me want to run someone down with my fucking car. Like...seriously. Then, you cloud my mind with every negative thought that could ever exist about myself. You latch on to one all-permeating thought and everything I see just takes me right back to it. Kilos. Squatting. Crossfitters. Barbell. All reminding me that my knee hurts; it hurts when I walk;  it hurts when I lift; it just always fucking hurts. The reminder of who I was and what I am now. The strength I had and the strength that was lost...trying to gain it back. Everything just because black...opaquely black. I don't want this feeling....I don't want to be washed away by this wave. I want to fight back. But I do feel bad and miss what I used to be able to do. However, it all had to happen to get me here. This is all the Ego that comes out to play so violently....it's all chemically-induced. Fucking progesterone and estrogen. Motherfuckers.

Who am I really? Am I my strength? Am I my one rep maxes? Am I what I do at all? No. It's what the ego will fucking tell you. I am love. I am my soul. I am the inner core of wisdom and strength that has nothing to do with weights or working out. It's all a role we think we have to play. It's the indoctrinated version of self that society has ingrained upon us --- you are what you do. so do more. be more. be the best.

Fuck that bullshit. It's empty. I've been there. Even when I was lifting at my peak...I.was.miserable. This all had to happen to build up who I am really am...to make me strong where it matters. I brought real self-love into my life and after that....a real relationship full of natural love. We are meant to be love. Who I am is just to be.

Take that hormones.

Lovely

You are the most natural thought that wanders through my mind.
even when I am tucked away in my solitary space
the feeling of having you in my life
always floats across the landscape of my heart
and I am at peace.
You are a breath of calm, tranquil air
that grounds my fiery spirit yet sets it free.
There is no calamity with you, no fusion.
Just me and all that I am with you
and all who you are.
Two independent scents that fragrance each other.
I had to learn to love every part of myself
so that I could truly love every facet of you.

What is love?

What is your intention?

To be loved?

or

To be loving?

The Daily Grind

Why, yes I probably do have a bit of insanity in me. That's what you get for such a sharp mind. You can cut yourself on it sometimes. It's a catastrophic suicide. That's why I have learned to dull the edge. It's a daily practice for that fucker keeps coming back sharper and sharper each time. The Soul is your shield.

The octopus of the mind

Depression is an interesting phenomenon. I look at my life and it's really a great life. I am very lucky for who I am, what I can do, and what I have. I know that on an empirical level. The thing about having a depressive moment is that it clouds your realistic judgement. Some outside event triggers a moment from the past or one negative thought which then brings about the same old cognitive distortions that always haunt me. Mental filter, jumping to conclusions, mind-reading, personalizing and all-or-nothing thinking. I think the most common one is the "mind-reading." So from one thought, a million others spiral out like the tentacles of an octopus. They keep churning and expanding in size until they are a full-blown universe of negativity. This in turn creates the feelings of sadness, anger and loneliness...I don't understand myself and therefore no one else can. I isolate myself. Most of the time I can stop the process by re-framing the situation; looking at the rational reality behind it all. Sometimes though I get so washed away by the rapidity of the process and then cast out in the waves of negativity feeling like I will drown. It is within those moments that the emotions are overwhelming and I just don't know what to do. I blame the person who said the triggering statement or I blame the world and then I blame myself for not being able to just get over it. Funny thing is, I am the creator of this "catastrophe" and I am the only one who can bring myself out of it. Sometimes it's just such an automatic response...I think that's what frustrates me. So I am seeking solutions...maybe I just need to do the CBT as soon as it happens. I think I need to keep writing in my gratitude journal EVERY day. For some people it's so easy to pick out what's wrong with life instead of what's right. I am not a pessimist but I do have a lot of Virgo in me..lol. I think the key to battle against the distortions of the mind is through being grateful. There is always something to be grateful for in your life. Even going through this process is a sign of one's humanity, one's fragility. The ability to be true to one's self but know that the cause of one's suffering is not because of the external world...it's how we CHOOSE to think about it and let it effect us. I am grateful for my ability of introspection and my analytic mind. There is a gift in all this when I can use it in a positive way. I am who I am, I have struggles, I am not perfect...I am a work in progress.

On jobs...

- How would I like each day to unfold?
– What would I like to be focusing my energy and attention on, if I had any choice available to me?
– What makes me experience joy?
– What energizes me?
– What makes me feel balance? Integration?
– What state of mind would I like to be in while I work?
– What other aspects of my life do I wish to be paying more attention to?
– By the end of my life, what kind of person do I wish to be?

Expect nothing.

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”  - Bruce Lee

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” - Sylvia Plath

We are taught to do what everyone else does, to picket our houses,  our minds, our souls, ourselves. Unconsciously we are submerged into the world of expectation. Our earliest memories and relationships define us until we learn to re-write the recording. He should do this, he should feel this, why is he acting like this? Upon valuing routine, feeling comfortable in routine, relying on routine for stability...the roots of expectation are grown...the silent killers of happiness and tranquility. The drug that eschews our normal rationality and leads to a host of distorted thoughts and worries. It all seems normal, like what everyone else tells us...until we end up repeating familiar patterns that just don't feel good. 

In the back of my mind, I know I have a picture, expectations on how he should "be." Blame it on my first love, social conditioning, or an immature view of relationships...but it does it truly matter how it manifested? 

"If I am doing all this stuff...why isn't he?" 

"I've had a guy do this for me before...why isn't he?"

 "If I feel this way about him...why isn't it different?"

"Why isn't he more expressive?"

"Why isn't he more affectionate?"

"Why doesn't he write me love letters?"

"Why is he so moody?"

"Why isn't he more direct?"

Why doesn't he just KNOW how to be exactly how my mind has created him to be?

It's laughable now that I see it written out on paper. Kind of insane actually. We create these standards for people...these unrealistic roles for them to play. I started to get this dark, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach some days ago. A feeling I abhor because it lingers on like a raging wound in my soul. I've felt it before and typically thought it was either hormones or the signal that something is deeply wrong with my EXTERIOR world. So, I analyze, I think, I try to feel it as deeply as I can and dig out it's root...bring the pit to the forefront of my consciousness. It wasn't about him or anything on the outside...it was all about ME. My interior, my thoughts, my inane expectations that seemed dormant yet called my every move in life. It was realizing that yes, I was anxious because the picture I had created in my head wasn't matching up to reality - I was constantly trying to fit someone into a predetermined script. Every action, every word, every movement of these individuals was compared against what I thought should happen. I guess that pit feeling was just the signal I needed - it was telling me that my interior picture wasn't right, it wasn't real...I needed to grasp it and throw it out. 

There is a beautiful power that comes with such a massive self-discovery as this. Making a choice to let go of everything you were taught, of everything you thought was true. It's the realization that love can only come from freedom - the freedom to let people be exactly who they are, the freedom of not expecting anything, the freedom to sit back and observe people for who they are, without your emotions of expectation and not how they measure up to your picture of "love." From there, you find out, truly discover, if someone is a person you want in your life...if that person is someone you can share life and love with. 

I have no idea why it took me this long to figure it out. 

life goal

     But we can become intrinsically different from everyone else
by reconstructing ourselves from the core—from our inner depths.
We must design our own blueprints for new selves.
After years of deciding the fundamental directions of our lives,
we become more the creations of our own free choices
than the products of genetic endowment and cultural conditioning.
Then, because we have created ourselves—not copied others— 
even if others choose similar Authentic projects-of-being,
we remain nevertheless singular, self-creating, unmatchable persons.
The inner process of re-inventing ourselves is uniquely our own.
We must channel our own anxiety, meaninglessness, and despair
defiantly into our own distinctive designs-of-being.
We become non-reproducible persons with never-repeatable lives.

suffer?

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

http://skyecleary.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/6-steps-to-authentic-loving-in-2014/

additive...

Just have to add this...I'm sure I will write in future posts...why do I have more fucking balls than most men?

Lust Or Volatile Emotion (?)

What is love I ask? I used to think it was a feeling...then it became more of the actions you do for someone...I've analyzed the crap out it over all these years. Is it still wrapped up in a subconscious fairy tale? And what with the personal obsession? I still think deep down on a soul level I have this insane story created that once I find True Love then I will finally feel okay and truly happy. Like I will fit in with the world and what everyone else is doing, like my life will have more meaning. It's merely the story that has permeated our world since...forever. I don't like this though - this fairy tale. It doesn't fit with reality, with the fact that we have no control over our futures and we cannot try and control them. We can't control others, only ourselves and our own thoughts and feelings. Life is imperfect, it's ever-changing and incomplete. How can we live up to the story in our heads and hearts? Love as a feeling - but our feelings are in a constant stage of inconsistency and change. Much of our emotions stem from our brain's mindless chatter...the Ego at work. Dredging up what we know from the past, the familiar, the history. I have this huge idea that the One should be able to understand me on all levels. But I don't fully understand myself...will I ever? Isn't that a lifelong journey? We think all these different qualities and expectations that we have built up should be upheld by ONE person. A soul mate, a twin flame, a true love. A million different needs, wants, and desires in one person...forever. I have this love story in my head about connecting with someone on the deepest possible human levels - emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. Is that even possible? What does that even look like? I don't even know how deep I am in touch with myself in those aspects of life. I may have conquered some levels but an ocean still exists...isn't that what our entire lives are for?

I think I need to re-frame the existence of love. It's not the chemical reaction we can have with a person, that  "spark", that crazy fuse of infatuation and lust. It's not the replaying of my subconscious story on how it "should" be or how it "should" feel. I really do see that it takes time to form - it's experiencing someone for who they truly are - the dropped facade of who they appear to be so they can "reel" you in. It's an exchange of ideas and experiences with someone else. It's being an observer of another human without any expectations, without any picture replaying in your mind. It's letting someone be exactly who they are without the chains of who you want them to be. It's not "needing" someone but wanting to create something together. It's not trying to "get" anything from them - attention, affection, love, money, approval, sex, advice....it's the natural process of sharing life both together and separate. It's the state of being yourselves together and seeing a different world view. It's not a fleeting feeling but a cultivated freedom that you create with another person. It may or may not last forever and maybe it will happen with more than one person - but it helps you evolve and learn and grow.

Eradicate the picture of how you think it should be, of how you were "taught" it to be, of how you "want" it to be.
Love is true freedom.

Kill it with a caffeine coma

Just.need.to.vent. Here's my existential fucking realization - I am the all-pervasive ear for mankind. I have this natural ability to just fucking  listen to people and completely tune myself in to them. It's like I can just feel them. Naturally. Without trying. Well here's the big fucking double-edged sword to it all...who the fuck will listen to me? I know and somewhat understand that no one else is like me in this world - not many people have the natural gift of attentive and unconditional listening. But could you put your motherfucking cellphone Facebook and Twitter down for a minute when I try to express myself? Could someone please give me a little more fucking feedback other than "That sucks" or "Yeah." Am I just talking to the wrong people? Is this whole fucking world just so self-oriented in their own thoughts and problems that they can't take a few minutes out of their picketed world to try and see what someone else has to say? Is that asking too fucking much? Am I expecting too much?

Ah yes. Expectations. They are killing me recently. The picture in my head, even based on a subconsciously ingrained cultural brainwash, is rolling around torturing me. The feelings I had, the feelings I am having...the thought that it's all wrong, or I am wrong. Are these just based on what I think should happen? On what's happened in the past? Why am I not where I think I should be? Why did it all change and become this rolled up ball of anxiety? How do you go from feeling like it's all together and calm into the storm of doubt and questioning? I didn't think it was just a feeling...it was deeper than that. What old picture and thoughts am I allowing to direct my thoughts? And how do I end that movie? Sometimes I think it's just my Ego calling - the little girl inside crying out for attention, living her life through memories and what is familiar to her. Sometimes I just wish she'd shut the fuck up and let me live my life in the present....and just see what happens. I know I need to assuage her from my Soul...for perhaps that is the only entity who can truly listen.

Men.

“I have met so many heartbroken men. It's a catastrophe. Women are easily overcome by the process that happens when a boy falls in love and becomes a man. Men's hearts are so often broken. Still, you have to leave your broken heart in a place where- when the woman who knows how to see what a gift is, sees it- your broken heart can be picked up again. I think that it takes a very strong woman (inner strength) to be able to handle a man falling in love with her, without morphing into a monster (the process is a very potent process, it can poison a woman, really). A woman thinks she wants a man to fall in love with her for all the perks that come with it; but when a real love really does happen, when a real man shows his manhood; it's often too powerful a thing to endure without being poisoned. Hence, all the heartbroken men. But, I do believe that there are strong women in the world today. A few. But there are. You could say, that the mark of a real woman, is a woman who can handle a man- a man falling in love with her. A woman who can recognize that, and keep it with her.”

Compassion is feeling deeply the world’s desperate pain, without becoming depressed about it - Buddha

Narcs abound. I always hear the sound.

When in the hell did the world become so self-centered and narcissistic? Most people are just all about the I. It's how I feel, what I did, what I need from you. Fucking self-absorption like a goddamn sponge. Maybe it's the age of people that surround me...am I just on a whole other maturity level? Or am I just from another fucking planet all together?

Sometimes I feel like my awareness and penchant for others is a fucking nightmare. It's not that I am a doormat by any means...I certainly take care of myself and what I need. It's just always sensing how others feel and empathizing even if they don't know I can feel them. It's automatically knowing what to do for them...it takes a lot of energy even when I don't want it to. It's being born under the "ear" nashaktra; tt's the art of true, empathic listening with which I was born. Really zoning in and hearing the underlying currents of emotion, reason, and ideas that someone tells me. It's tiring, it really is. And then when I try to talk back or to anyone that is, I could talk to a wall and get the same response. Am I that transparent? Does my innate ability to truly hear people just attract all the self-involved of the world? Do they sense me and seek me out in some unconscious way because they know I will be there for them? Sometimes all I want is to be fucking listened to the way I listen to everyone else. It's that expectation I suppose that is my ultimate downfall - it's the double edge of my greatest gift. No one else can. I have two options - accept it or get more frustrated and pissed off. I only have control over myself. So who listens to the great listener.....

?

Insert witty title here a la Fall Out Boy

Oh, how the mighty fall 






in love.

The exquisiteness....

Dammit, I can't find the quote that I want to start this off.

Two things keep replaying in my mind - 1. selfish 2. nothing and no one will hold you back

So, it triggered something in me. A sense of a past deja vu - words spoken to me before. "Love is not enough to keep me here." I took it as - "I am not enough. I am not good enough. My love is not good enough for you." I suppose I was a different person then. Living through the Ego, thinking everything was about me.

But then, what was that love that was spoken of? It wasn't real or unconditional...it wasn't true. It was just two fucked up Egos who had some similar issues in common having found a common place to fester and hide. An eventual implosion. How can someone who doesn't even believe in love share love?

After hearing your words last night...it just took me right back to that place of self-blame...of self-pity. Thinking, I am wrong again. Here we go again.

But my insides aren't wrong. Maybe this is the gift within it all. To love unconditionally is to let someone go. It's not to give up all your respect and trust and be a doormat...it's saying, hey. These are my feelings about you. You are special. I have never gotten along with anyone the way I do with you, I have never felt this type of calm connection. It's also saying - you are not chained to me. You have to do what you need to do to be happy even if it means you aren't with me. I guess real love is just accepting what is and not putting yourself in there to blame. I think it's about saying - I feel strongly for you, I love being around you and I will continue to love you even if I am not with you. You have to walk your path but I may not be there if it doesn't coincide with mine. If you want to be selfish and have it all about you - if that what makes you happy I want that for you. It just means it's my time to move on.

So, I guess it really is about smashing the picture of what we think it should look like and just take it as it comes in the present moment. We get ahead of ourselves, we let the Ego slip in...and then we allow our false emotions to get the best of us. Sometimes we need a step back to see it all. I feel deeply for you but in the process have to see you be free...for isn't what real love is all about?

Admittance

And so with falling, with caring, with the deepest parts of my soul burning...
it's frightful. I am brave as fuck yet I am still vulnerable. I am still scared of being hurt or being rejected because of how I feel. This is all so different for me. When I love, truly love, none of that infatuation bullshit that I have had before...that Ego-driven, issue-riddled infatuation driven by the turmoil of unconscious anxiety and fear...real love - it stems from the deepest part of my heart...the depths of my soul. This is my biggest desire in life...above all else and I would do anything for it. I want to know you from the inside-out. I want to hear how you feel about everything...about me. The craving for that emotional intimacy that you have with no one else...the balls to just lay out your heart and soul and everything in between.

You don't make it easy sometimes. I feel you every time you are happy and I sense you every time your heart and mind is far away inside your shell. I know when you have retreated from the world and while I understand it, I just feel shut out...and then I blame myself for doing something that I never even did! Maybe this is my lesson - to let people be how they are without taking it personal. I want to say to you sometimes that I have feelings and needs too....and that the world cannot revolve around the current mood that you are in. That is so one-sided. Be aware of how someone else is feeling, too...what they need at the time. I am strong but I need someone to be there for me too even if it doesn't suit your mood.

It's not anger...it's just passion. It stems from a feeling that I have never had - feeling at home with someone. Calm. Peaceful. Like it's just meant to be this way. As though my soul is just relieved and happy for the first time in over a decade. I wasn't ready when I had something like this before...but now I am. And yet.. it so scary to feel this way. What if the sentiments are not understood or reciprocated? The pain can be devastating. An elongated pain...just an ache that overtakes the body and seems to never quite go away. Like a wave of crashing water upon the soul. But, if I have never really had true love...then how do I know it will hurt? I suppose it's what I imagine it would feel like.

I just want to grab you sometimes and just tell you that I get it. I get how you feel, I get how you are why you are, I get why you are scared and fearful of being hurt, I understand why you are suspicious, I get how much it pains you to have been hurt in the past. I.am.the.same.way. My words just seem like vapor...I suppose only the actions of time will tell. Do you know how lucky you are to have someone like me in your corner? People live and die looking for this. It wouldn't matter so much but when I care - dare I say when I love - it is the most important thing of all.

If I didn't love you - I wouldn't care.

And then...I notice how Fear can so easily take over our beings. I cannot control your moods and they rarely have anything to do with me. I have been nothing but supportive and gentle with you. I only wish you'd let me into your shell sometimes...just to let me know why you feel what you do. The fear of not knowing why someone acts how they do triggers the Old pervasive thoughts - "I am not good enough." "I did something wrong." "He doesn't like me." It's not true though. And that is the struggle that I still have to face. Understanding that those old "demons" have subsided but maybe never truly go away. It's my fight to battle and overcome.

This is good though. It's good to face these feelings...these old patterns that regurgitate themselves after you think you have triumphed over them. I am amazingly developed but still a work in progress. Love has a funny way of helping you along the course into becoming an even better version of yourself. It has to challenge you on some level.

And so, I will eventually just not care about the fear anymore. And I will tell you how I feel. If there is one ideal I now embrace it's that life is too short to worry about the anxieties that the mind conjures up.  I have been hurt before and I know that even if I hurt again I will always be okay. I have a feeling that this is different though - My heart is open and I am willing to go to a place with it where yes, I may get hurt...but the beauty of experiencing something profound...a once in a lifetime love....is worth it.

AbsoLutely, withOut a doubt, VEry much so.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”  - Bob Dylan






I became the person I wanted to find and in the process, you appeared. I may have judged you a bit before but sometimes Life has a funny way of finding the right Time. I have never felt such tranquility, such a sense of being home with any other person that has been in my life. It's not infatuation, it's an adoration that comes from the soul. Unconditional because I don't need to get anything from you, I don't want anything from you...your happiness and comfort is as essential as my own. Even if you didn't feel the same way, I would still love you. That's how you know it's real.

Making changes...

I am attempting to somehow balance my hormones and decrease my slavery to the PMS cycle by limiting my dairy, eating gluten/wheat free and reducing my caffeine intake. :)

Monday Feb. 10th
Bfast - 1 cup coffee, cream of rice, 5 eggs, frozen fruit
*Didn't feel as drowsy
Snack - protein bar
Lunch - grilled chicken salad (no tzekee), sweet potatoes
*Felt really drowsy around 12:00ish
- Had two cups of non-caff. tea
- Craved coffee like a mofo
Snack - organic greek yogurt, gluten free crackers, nuts
Dinner - turkey and vegan cheese rolls (with greek pepper spread), tomatoes, sweet potato
*Felt extremely fatigued - did not lift

~ Overall, I felt awful. I craved coffee like a crack addict. Body craved carbs and sugar - ate a bunch of cream puffs :/ Now that I see this was the day before my period, it makes sense. However, I never had this type of carb/sugar surge during my recovery months. I guess it would make sense though - now that I am back to lifting my hormones are more wacky and effect me differently.

Tuesday Feb. 11th - got my period :P
Bfast - same as Mon
Snack - protein shake made with half whey/hemp
*Felt bloaty but it could have been from the period
Lunch - grilled chicken salad with hummus, sweet potatoes, non-decaf tea
*Felt drowsy around 1:30ish
Snack- greek yogurt mixed with gluten free cereal and nuts, cup of tea
*Kind of felt bloated but it's hard to tell b/c of my period
Post-workout shake - whey protein, fruit (waited until I got home to drink)
Dinner - Turkey and vegan cheese sandwich (gluten free bread), tomato soup

~I feel better overall despite having cramps, naseau and some fatigue. I think the decrease in caffeine actually keeps me more awake and less tense. Had a good lifting session. :)

~To ponder...even though I still lifted heavy upper body during my rehab months, I never had really bad periods and never craved carbs or sweets. It was actually hard to eat anything. Now that I am back to intensive lifting, I felt like I did post-surgery. My periods rule my life again. The key is to find the balance between lifting hard and knowing how it will effect my body. In addition, I think the diet modifications I am trying may help. Maybe I should do lighter sessions and no max outs in the 3-4 days before my period..or when I get that "feeling" that it is starting. I maxed out on Saturday and it was awful...3 days before I got the big P. I can focus on technique and other variations I do not normally hit - drop snatches, high pulls, triple or double squats, light jerk variations, posterior-chain stuff...ect.

<3

Turning Point

Don't allow your mind to tell your heart what to do. The mind gives up easily - Paulo Coehlo

How do I want to feel? I want to feel good, content, at peace. This surge of hormonal activity however makes it difficult to hone in on my heart. I haven't felt this down and emotional and out of focus in a while. I haven't felt the need to stuff myself with uneeded sugar and carbs either. I guess it is because I am back to heavy training and it throws off my body. I love to lift...more than anything. I don't know how to deal with the effects it has on my body. Between commuting, working, and training....this stress just wears me out. Maybe B is right...I need to do something to relax myself, some outlet that is different from everything else. Maybe I should tweak my program and lower the intensity or change it around to suit my needs. Work hard but smart...not kill myself every single session especially when I am in the phase right before my period. There is always two options to every issue you have in life - you can bitch about it or make the necessary changes to create the life you want. If I am tired of my job - I can put my resume out and find a different job. If I am having back or period issues, I can get it checked or eliminate foods from my diet. There is always a choice...I just have to make the ones that will send me in the right direction.

Workout - tweak program, no competitions, yoga 2x week

Diet - no gluten/wheat or dairy, decrease caffeine

Job - no more commuting, find a new position somewhere