Burn.

Torn like a piece of paper. Over you. Over life.
One half unwilling to let go; stubborn.
The other wanting to find better; sad.
I am truly sad.
Not just because I can't "work out" right now.
I think this feeling has clouded my dreams and permeated my mind for quite some time.
You don't think of me as an investment.
You haven't invested your heart and soul into loving me.
I get the left over pieces after you're done with two sessions, after your blood, sweat and tears have already been used up.
I am what's left after you spend mini-fortunes on items that can never Love you the way I can.
I am tired of wasting my heart and soul on you.
My investment yields nothing but loneliness.
I could have all this and not even be with you - nothing would change with or without you.
I'm not asking for anything crazy, just the usual facets of being in love.
Affection, nice words, nights out that are special.
I feel I deserve all this; I want all this.
I'm realizing you cannot give me this. You don't believe in this. You don't care about this.
I ask myself the point of being in a relationship with you?
Everything is more important than me.
You laugh at how I want someone to be this way with me. You tell me no man is like this; no man will treat me this way.
You just don't believe it. You don't think love is special. But I do.
What I want and what you give me is why I need to move on.

ACL sHERgery

Wow, I cannot believe I am done with my ACL reconstruction surgery. Everything went great....it's amazing how one minute you're rolling into the OR and the next you wake up and BAM! You're done. Brace on, wounds rockin', nerve blocks kickin'. I woke up fine from the anesthesia (I still don't know how I got my contacts in and how they knew I wanted pretzels and diet ginger ale) and the pain wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The worst part was just sitting in the bed waiting to be taken into the OR before the actual operation. My surgery was supposed to happen at 10:30 but I didn't get taken back until after 11:30. Meh.

Day 1 - the nerve blocks and Vicodin eradicated most of the pain. I didn't use my crutches....it was easier without them. I just slept a lot, iced and used the CPM.

Day 2 - first day of PT. I was able to get full extension and flex-ion to almost 90 degrees. Swelling was limited...and I apparently have really strong bones! I continued to take Vicodin as the nerve blocks eventually wore off. I made it to the supermarket with my mom but spent most of the day on the CPM and did my PT exercises.

Day 3 - No more Vicodin! Just taking Advil...my shins hurt especially when I do heel slides. I was able to drive home this evening. I was able to shower and shave. It felt so good! I duct-aped a trash bag around my leg and it was fine.

Day 4 - Second day of PT and Post-Op check up. I can get around fine with the brace and drive. I was able to cycle with the bike, get full extension and flex-ion. They told me not to push it though. My shins still hurt and I cannot flex my leg backwards too far. I added some more exercises to my repertoire. I did a little gallivanting today but I get tired really easy.

Day 5 - Swelling is down but the shin hurts. The PT said that's because of blood drainage and the fact that they drilled into the femur for part of the incision. I can walk around pretty good without the brace (it's hot and bothersome) but I am just following the doctor's orders. I can't do much until after at least a week or so. I am hoping they approve me to do some upper body stuff after my second post-op check-up...stitches out bitches!

On competition (and perhaps a subconscious isssue)

http://breakingmuscle.com/olympic-weightlifting/the-value-of-competition-what-weightlifters-know-that-the-hippies-didnt

By competing you might have to face the fact that you aren't as good as you thought you were...

You only have one opponent ever and that is you and the fears you want to defeat.

The first post

“A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead.” -- Graham Green, The End of the Affair

I'm looking back. I'm looking ahead. It's what my mind does the best - over-think, jump to conclusions, analyze, dramatize...create. Sometimes for the creative good of the world but most of the time it just drives me somewhat crazy. However, thoughts becomes more productive when strung into sentences. They make such pretty twinkles on the screen, like Christmas lights to a bare fir tree. I don't know how I've come this far without writing lately. It has always kept me saner. Artsy people falter without an outlet. Having off this summer with plans that became distorted only added to my distraction and boredom. History repeated itself. I was reaching, hoping, trying to outshine the critics both imagined and perhaps real. I was trying to be the best, to prove my worth....and I ended up injured and in need of a surgery that will change my plans for a while. A detour. I cannot completely blame it all on that instance - an old injury that was never taken care of the way it should have been merely came back to haunt me. Either way I needed to take care of my knee. Better now than later. I do not believe the events of our lives occur by happenstance; it all happens for a reason. So now Life has chosen a moment from which I was forced to look back in order to move ahead. These words are my journey.