What good are your thoughts?

Obsessing over your lifting...how's that working for ya?
- It's not. Once I am in my mind...it's hard to get out and just focus. I have to let my body just react....my biggest challenge is to just lift from my legs...let them be my foundation in all my lifts.

Not being grateful to be able to lift again....how does that work out for ya?
- The negative Saturn-Virgo takes over...I only think about how good I am not doing instead of what I couldn't do before and how it felt to not lift. I am thankful and more happy then ever to be able to lift. It's all about me this time and I am giving my blood, sweat and tears because I WANT to. <3

Loss.

Fuck you Mercury retrograde and fuck you loss.
I lost my knee to surgery.
I lost the gains I made at lifting.
I lost a relationship
I lost a gym.
Right now I feel like I am losing myself to the perils of Life.
While everyone dances around me, with their goals in tow, happy smiling faces...I am ready for Death.
Maybe I have died.
A part of me. The old sleeve of who I used to be.
And the pain pours down my cheeks.
An emptiness stirs and settles.
I have to wonder where it all went wrong?
Why do I hurt so much?
What am I hurting for?
My goals, my dreams...where are you? Do I even know what you are?
I am so unclear on my choices...panicked that it's all wrong.
But it was so wrong before.
I am crying out in silent wails of despair...begging God to show me the way...help me see what I need to learn.
Why is "love" such an unrelenting goal?
Am I loving for the right reasons?
Do I just want it because I think it will make me happy?

What is inside me is sadness...emptiness...something is shedding...I am not learning something from all of this.

Down on my knees.

Please show me the way.