Fuck you hormones. First, you make me want to run someone down with my fucking car. Like...seriously. Then, you cloud my mind with every negative thought that could ever exist about myself. You latch on to one all-permeating thought and everything I see just takes me right back to it. Kilos. Squatting. Crossfitters. Barbell. All reminding me that my knee hurts; it hurts when I walk; it hurts when I lift; it just always fucking hurts. The reminder of who I was and what I am now. The strength I had and the strength that was lost...trying to gain it back. Everything just because black...opaquely black. I don't want this feeling....I don't want to be washed away by this wave. I want to fight back. But I do feel bad and miss what I used to be able to do. However, it all had to happen to get me here. This is all the Ego that comes out to play so violently....it's all chemically-induced. Fucking progesterone and estrogen. Motherfuckers.
Who am I really? Am I my strength? Am I my one rep maxes? Am I what I do at all? No. It's what the ego will fucking tell you. I am love. I am my soul. I am the inner core of wisdom and strength that has nothing to do with weights or working out. It's all a role we think we have to play. It's the indoctrinated version of self that society has ingrained upon us --- you are what you do. so do more. be more. be the best.
Fuck that bullshit. It's empty. I've been there. Even when I was lifting at my peak...I.was.miserable. This all had to happen to build up who I am really am...to make me strong where it matters. I brought real self-love into my life and after that....a real relationship full of natural love. We are meant to be love. Who I am is just to be.
Take that hormones.
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