I am not emotionally safe. I am just trying to do my fucking job...fucking teach. All I get is bullshit...arguing...negative...push...pull...I stuff the anger down...the reaction I want to have. They shut the fuck up I want to yell. And it stuffs and stuffs and stuffs all day....I bury my soul, I numb my mind, I disassociate my heart from any feeling. So I'm left empty, cold, alone at the end of the day. I can't just turn it off or forget about it. I will go back into the cesspool of shit the next day...and the next...and the next praying every day for the strength to make it through. This is not a way to live life...this is not healthy. It's like the bad relationships I've been in. You rationalize them away while your heart and soul are turned to mush. It permeates my entire being - I start to see everything in negative. I spend so much time at work - it's what I've dedicated my life to - I cannot go on like this. It is not worth anything.
I want my work to add to my happiness...I want to make a difference...I want to feel like what I am doing is making a positive change...is helping people. I don't just want to have to "control" and "dominate" and "fight" for people to do what they should be doing. I want to feel emotionally safe and uplifted....and praised when I do good...and given constructive feedback that helps me. I want to be around people who do more than just bitch. I want to look forward to going to work and being challenged in a good way...to become a better person.
I know the only choice I have is action - I can make up a million excuses....please let whatever power rules the universe help me to make the changes that I need.
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