Don't allow your mind to tell your heart what to do. The mind gives up easily - Paulo Coehlo

I think I need to re-frame the existence of love. It's not the chemical reaction we can have with a person, that  "spark", that crazy fuse of infatuation and lust. It's not the replaying of my subconscious story on how it "should" be or how it "should" feel. I really do see that it takes time to form - it's experiencing someone for who they truly are - the dropped facade of who they appear to be so they can "reel" you in. It's an exchange of ideas and experiences with someone else. It's being an observer of another human without any expectations, without any picture replaying in your mind. It's letting someone be exactly who they are without the chains of who you want them to be. It's not "needing" someone but wanting to create something together. It's not trying to "get" anything from them - attention, affection, love, money, approval, sex, advice....it's the natural process of sharing life both together and separate. It's the state of being yourselves together and seeing a different world view. It's not a fleeting feeling but a cultivated freedom that you create with another person. It may or may not last forever and maybe it will happen with more than one person - but it helps you evolve and learn and grow.

Eradicate the picture of how you think it should be, of how you were "taught" it to be, of how you "want" it to be.
Love is true freedom.

We create these standards for people...these unrealistic roles for them to play. I started to get this dark, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach some days ago. A feeling I abhor because it lingers on like a raging wound in my soul. I've felt it before and typically thought it was either hormones or the signal that something is deeply wrong with my EXTERIOR world. So, I analyze, I think, I try to feel it as deeply as I can and dig out it's root...bring the pit to the forefront of my consciousness. It wasn't about him or anything on the outside...it was all about ME. My interior, my thoughts, my inane expectations that seemed dormant yet called my every move in life. It was realizing that yes, I was anxious because the picture I had created in my head wasn't matching up to reality - I was constantly trying to fit someone into a predetermined script. Every action, every word, every movement of these individuals was compared against what I thought should happen. I guess that pit feeling was just the signal I needed - it was telling me that my interior picture wasn't right, it wasn't real...I needed to grasp it and throw it out. 

There is a beautiful power that comes with such a massive self-discovery as this. Making a choice to let go of everything you were taught, of everything you thought was true. It's the realization that love can only come from freedom - the freedom to let people be exactly who they are, the freedom of not expecting anything, the freedom to sit back and observe people for who they are, without your emotions of expectation and not how they measure up to your picture of "love." From there, you find out, truly discover, if someone is a person you want in your life...if that person is someone you can share life and love with. 

But my insides aren't wrong. Maybe this is the gift within it all. To love unconditionally is to let someone go. It's not to give up all your respect and trust and be a doormat...it's saying, hey. These are my feelings about you. You are special. I have never gotten along with anyone the way I do with you, I have never felt this type of calm connection. It's also saying - you are not chained to me. You have to do what you need to do to be happy even if it means you aren't with me. I guess real love is just accepting what is and not putting yourself in there to blame. I think it's about saying - I feel strongly for you, I love being around you and I will continue to love you even if I am not with you. You have to walk your path but I may not be there if it doesn't coincide with mine. If you want to be selfish and have it all about you - if that what makes you happy I want that for you. It just means it's my time to move on.

So, I guess it really is about smashing the picture of what we think it should look like and just take it as it comes in the present moment. We get ahead of ourselves, we let the Ego slip in...and then we allow our false emotions to get the best of us. Sometimes we need a step back to see it all. I feel deeply for you but in the process have to see you be free...for isn't what real love is all about?

Just some excerpts from my past writings when I was much more present and realistic. Not being owned by my emotions and feelings. 

I guess I get so wrapped in the future, in my expectations, in the past, in how things were. I think I am just finally starting to see who you are - the facade is dropped. It's time for me to just be realistic and observe you. Be in the present relationship with who you are and let you be. I know that my automatic thoughts will still be there...they will cause my "feelings." Perhaps those thoughts will never really go away. I can deal with them better and not accept them as reality. Being rational and solving your problems just makes sense. It's the emotions that make it difficult - but I have to acknowledge them without letting them run my life. In some ways it was more "peaceful" when you are not in a relationship - your triggers aren't being pushed. The only way to grow however is to be in a relationship and constantly strive to learn and improve yourself. To feel it all and commit to learning rather than controlling. To live from Spirit and not Ego.

My lessons

1. The need for connection - get a group of friends

2. Connecting with myself - writing, meditation

3. Accepting reality - being present

4. Trust the Universe and Life