Admittance

And so with falling, with caring, with the deepest parts of my soul burning...
it's frightful. I am brave as fuck yet I am still vulnerable. I am still scared of being hurt or being rejected because of how I feel. This is all so different for me. When I love, truly love, none of that infatuation bullshit that I have had before...that Ego-driven, issue-riddled infatuation driven by the turmoil of unconscious anxiety and fear...real love - it stems from the deepest part of my heart...the depths of my soul. This is my biggest desire in life...above all else and I would do anything for it. I want to know you from the inside-out. I want to hear how you feel about everything...about me. The craving for that emotional intimacy that you have with no one else...the balls to just lay out your heart and soul and everything in between.

You don't make it easy sometimes. I feel you every time you are happy and I sense you every time your heart and mind is far away inside your shell. I know when you have retreated from the world and while I understand it, I just feel shut out...and then I blame myself for doing something that I never even did! Maybe this is my lesson - to let people be how they are without taking it personal. I want to say to you sometimes that I have feelings and needs too....and that the world cannot revolve around the current mood that you are in. That is so one-sided. Be aware of how someone else is feeling, too...what they need at the time. I am strong but I need someone to be there for me too even if it doesn't suit your mood.

It's not anger...it's just passion. It stems from a feeling that I have never had - feeling at home with someone. Calm. Peaceful. Like it's just meant to be this way. As though my soul is just relieved and happy for the first time in over a decade. I wasn't ready when I had something like this before...but now I am. And yet.. it so scary to feel this way. What if the sentiments are not understood or reciprocated? The pain can be devastating. An elongated pain...just an ache that overtakes the body and seems to never quite go away. Like a wave of crashing water upon the soul. But, if I have never really had true love...then how do I know it will hurt? I suppose it's what I imagine it would feel like.

I just want to grab you sometimes and just tell you that I get it. I get how you feel, I get how you are why you are, I get why you are scared and fearful of being hurt, I understand why you are suspicious, I get how much it pains you to have been hurt in the past. I.am.the.same.way. My words just seem like vapor...I suppose only the actions of time will tell. Do you know how lucky you are to have someone like me in your corner? People live and die looking for this. It wouldn't matter so much but when I care - dare I say when I love - it is the most important thing of all.

If I didn't love you - I wouldn't care.

And then...I notice how Fear can so easily take over our beings. I cannot control your moods and they rarely have anything to do with me. I have been nothing but supportive and gentle with you. I only wish you'd let me into your shell sometimes...just to let me know why you feel what you do. The fear of not knowing why someone acts how they do triggers the Old pervasive thoughts - "I am not good enough." "I did something wrong." "He doesn't like me." It's not true though. And that is the struggle that I still have to face. Understanding that those old "demons" have subsided but maybe never truly go away. It's my fight to battle and overcome.

This is good though. It's good to face these feelings...these old patterns that regurgitate themselves after you think you have triumphed over them. I am amazingly developed but still a work in progress. Love has a funny way of helping you along the course into becoming an even better version of yourself. It has to challenge you on some level.

And so, I will eventually just not care about the fear anymore. And I will tell you how I feel. If there is one ideal I now embrace it's that life is too short to worry about the anxieties that the mind conjures up.  I have been hurt before and I know that even if I hurt again I will always be okay. I have a feeling that this is different though - My heart is open and I am willing to go to a place with it where yes, I may get hurt...but the beauty of experiencing something profound...a once in a lifetime love....is worth it.