The exquisiteness....

Dammit, I can't find the quote that I want to start this off.

Two things keep replaying in my mind - 1. selfish 2. nothing and no one will hold you back

So, it triggered something in me. A sense of a past deja vu - words spoken to me before. "Love is not enough to keep me here." I took it as - "I am not enough. I am not good enough. My love is not good enough for you." I suppose I was a different person then. Living through the Ego, thinking everything was about me.

But then, what was that love that was spoken of? It wasn't real or unconditional...it wasn't true. It was just two fucked up Egos who had some similar issues in common having found a common place to fester and hide. An eventual implosion. How can someone who doesn't even believe in love share love?

After hearing your words last night...it just took me right back to that place of self-blame...of self-pity. Thinking, I am wrong again. Here we go again.

But my insides aren't wrong. Maybe this is the gift within it all. To love unconditionally is to let someone go. It's not to give up all your respect and trust and be a doormat...it's saying, hey. These are my feelings about you. You are special. I have never gotten along with anyone the way I do with you, I have never felt this type of calm connection. It's also saying - you are not chained to me. You have to do what you need to do to be happy even if it means you aren't with me. I guess real love is just accepting what is and not putting yourself in there to blame. I think it's about saying - I feel strongly for you, I love being around you and I will continue to love you even if I am not with you. You have to walk your path but I may not be there if it doesn't coincide with mine. If you want to be selfish and have it all about you - if that what makes you happy I want that for you. It just means it's my time to move on.

So, I guess it really is about smashing the picture of what we think it should look like and just take it as it comes in the present moment. We get ahead of ourselves, we let the Ego slip in...and then we allow our false emotions to get the best of us. Sometimes we need a step back to see it all. I feel deeply for you but in the process have to see you be free...for isn't what real love is all about?