Expect nothing.

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”  - Bruce Lee

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” - Sylvia Plath

We are taught to do what everyone else does, to picket our houses,  our minds, our souls, ourselves. Unconsciously we are submerged into the world of expectation. Our earliest memories and relationships define us until we learn to re-write the recording. He should do this, he should feel this, why is he acting like this? Upon valuing routine, feeling comfortable in routine, relying on routine for stability...the roots of expectation are grown...the silent killers of happiness and tranquility. The drug that eschews our normal rationality and leads to a host of distorted thoughts and worries. It all seems normal, like what everyone else tells us...until we end up repeating familiar patterns that just don't feel good. 

In the back of my mind, I know I have a picture, expectations on how he should "be." Blame it on my first love, social conditioning, or an immature view of relationships...but it does it truly matter how it manifested? 

"If I am doing all this stuff...why isn't he?" 

"I've had a guy do this for me before...why isn't he?"

 "If I feel this way about him...why isn't it different?"

"Why isn't he more expressive?"

"Why isn't he more affectionate?"

"Why doesn't he write me love letters?"

"Why is he so moody?"

"Why isn't he more direct?"

Why doesn't he just KNOW how to be exactly how my mind has created him to be?

It's laughable now that I see it written out on paper. Kind of insane actually. We create these standards for people...these unrealistic roles for them to play. I started to get this dark, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach some days ago. A feeling I abhor because it lingers on like a raging wound in my soul. I've felt it before and typically thought it was either hormones or the signal that something is deeply wrong with my EXTERIOR world. So, I analyze, I think, I try to feel it as deeply as I can and dig out it's root...bring the pit to the forefront of my consciousness. It wasn't about him or anything on the outside...it was all about ME. My interior, my thoughts, my inane expectations that seemed dormant yet called my every move in life. It was realizing that yes, I was anxious because the picture I had created in my head wasn't matching up to reality - I was constantly trying to fit someone into a predetermined script. Every action, every word, every movement of these individuals was compared against what I thought should happen. I guess that pit feeling was just the signal I needed - it was telling me that my interior picture wasn't right, it wasn't real...I needed to grasp it and throw it out. 

There is a beautiful power that comes with such a massive self-discovery as this. Making a choice to let go of everything you were taught, of everything you thought was true. It's the realization that love can only come from freedom - the freedom to let people be exactly who they are, the freedom of not expecting anything, the freedom to sit back and observe people for who they are, without your emotions of expectation and not how they measure up to your picture of "love." From there, you find out, truly discover, if someone is a person you want in your life...if that person is someone you can share life and love with. 

I have no idea why it took me this long to figure it out.