Just.need.to.vent. Here's my existential fucking realization - I am the all-pervasive ear for mankind. I have this natural ability to just fucking listen to people and completely tune myself in to them. It's like I can just feel them. Naturally. Without trying. Well here's the big fucking double-edged sword to it all...who the fuck will listen to me? I know and somewhat understand that no one else is like me in this world - not many people have the natural gift of attentive and unconditional listening. But could you put your motherfucking cellphone Facebook and Twitter down for a minute when I try to express myself? Could someone please give me a little more fucking feedback other than "That sucks" or "Yeah." Am I just talking to the wrong people? Is this whole fucking world just so self-oriented in their own thoughts and problems that they can't take a few minutes out of their picketed world to try and see what someone else has to say? Is that asking too fucking much? Am I expecting too much?
Ah yes. Expectations. They are killing me recently. The picture in my head, even based on a subconsciously ingrained cultural brainwash, is rolling around torturing me. The feelings I had, the feelings I am having...the thought that it's all wrong, or I am wrong. Are these just based on what I think should happen? On what's happened in the past? Why am I not where I think I should be? Why did it all change and become this rolled up ball of anxiety? How do you go from feeling like it's all together and calm into the storm of doubt and questioning? I didn't think it was just a feeling...it was deeper than that. What old picture and thoughts am I allowing to direct my thoughts? And how do I end that movie? Sometimes I think it's just my Ego calling - the little girl inside crying out for attention, living her life through memories and what is familiar to her. Sometimes I just wish she'd shut the fuck up and let me live my life in the present....and just see what happens. I know I need to assuage her from my Soul...for perhaps that is the only entity who can truly listen.
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